IFOs: Even More Fun Than UFOs!

What's an IFO? you ask. Why, it's an Inappropriate Flying Object.

For your edification, may I present the following list of IFO categories.

FIFOs (Food IFOs): generally found at the dinner table, these may take the form of any round item (such as small green peas), detested foods that the eater would prefer were not on his plate, or missiles surreptitiously aimed at the dog.

BIIFOs (Boredom Induced IFOs): larger objects thrown across rooms in a fit of desperation trying to come up with a new game. These flying objects are generally unweildy, and, thanks to the laws of Dumb Luck, their first assay through space typically results in no one getting beaned. Their initial flights are accompanied by an invitation, such as "Hey! Wanna' play couch fight?!" (while the couch-cushion is airborne, obviously)

PIIFOs (Pique Induced IFOs): medium-sized, potentially long-range objects, hurled aggressive through space in the specific direction of another human. These might include tennis balls, game pieces, small books, or anything else particularly desireable that the bearer does not want to share or that the offender "doesn't understand how to play with right." Only in your dreams do they include objects made by Nerf, since one of the primary qualities of PIIFOs is the exciting risk of real danger they pose, should anyone catch one in the eye.

GIFOs (Gifted IFOs): presents given to your children by well-meaning but clueless relatives who don't register that there are some toys better kept out of the hands of preschoolers, and who therefore think that home-made rocket kits, real baseballs, delicate model helicopters, and other similar paraphernalia simply sound FUN! For Kids of All Ages!

There is also an important sub-genre of GIFO that all parents (and well-meaning purhcases of presents for other people's children) would do well to register: the LIFO.

That's right. The Lewd IFO. Perhaps the following pictures will speak for themselves.

In transport mode:


Ready for blast-off:

Need I say that this is one of Son's favorite birthday presents of all time? And that it makes me cringe and snort uncontrollably every time he pulls it out?

This is, in case you can't tell, a stomping rocket. You hook the tube up to a rock-shaped bladder, and then you stomp on the rock, and the rocket ejects from the transporter and flies into the air. Seriously. Toy designers need to get a grip. It's not bad enough that they design a toy that a child will peer over, then stomp to launch, quite possibly right into his own face? They also have to design it so that it overtly looks like a launching part of said child's anatomy?

This was a present from my sister, and in her defense, the box did made the whole thing look very cool. But also, in her defense, she only has three daughters, so I don't think she is completely attune to the level of anatomical rocket jokes possible in a household with a five-year-old boy.

Hence I present this as a little PSA for anyone out there who may be purchasing a gift for a boy birthday anytime soon: be sure, if you purchase a LIFO, that you are giving it to a child whose mother has the sense of humor of a an eleven-year-old boy.

Personally, my favorite part of this whole toy is the little green alien that flies in the tip of the rocket. Heh heh.