PSA: I Do Not Live at the Comcast Call Center

I reached my wit's end the other day when I answered the third phone call for Comcast. We happen to have their internet and phone service, but we get daily phone calls for Comcast not because we are satisfied customers, not because we have some "in" on the billing or packages, not because we can answer questions. Oh, no. We get daily calls for Comcast because our phone number happens to be one digit different from one of the many call center numbers Comcast has in operation.

Hence, our phone rings during dinner: "Could I please speak to Monica at extension 4567?"

It rings during bathtime: "Is this Comcast? I need to upgrade my..."

It rings during art projects: "Is Terrence there; we just got disconnected...?"

It rings while I'm covered with raw chicken because I'm cooking dinner, and someone leaves an irate message: "This is Sheryl. I've called you people three times to settle my bill. You need to call me back TODAY."

It rings at 5:50am -- yes, A.M. -- and panics me into thinking someone beloved from afar is calling with terrible news. So I scramble out of bed only to reach a hang-up. And then the phone rings again one minute later because the person on the other end got our home answering machine, assumed he misdialed, and then dialed again.

Because, you see, it's not that all these people are dialing their phones incorrectly. Oh, no. It's that someone (or several someones) at Comcast is giving them our phone number by mistake.

How do I know this for sure? I have started striking up conversations with every caller.

For a long time, I just screened the calls. But we were getting multiple calls from people who were clearly sure they had the right number. And then, we got that irate message from Sheryl on our home machine trying to arrange payment for her overdue bill.

Our home machine has an outgoing message with a cheerful greeting, a mention of our names, and the phrase "we aren't home right now, but..." It routinely gets messages from people who are trying to disconnect, reconnect, reconfigure, add, cut down, or pay for their Comcast services.

So, in desperation, I decided to run a little experiment and find out if this many people were misdialing or not.

"Hello," I say, picking up the phone to a caller id number I don't recognize.

"Um," says the voice on the other end, clearly confused by the non-professional greeting.

"Are you calling for Comcast?" I ask pleasantly.

"Yes!" says the voice in some relief.

"You want 555-1234. You've dialed 555-2234."

"Oh, I'm so sorry," says the voice, about to beat a hasty retreat.

"Do you mind me asking: did you misdial, or were you given this number?"

"I was given this number. 555-2234. That's what he said."

"Do you happen to have a name or an extension number for the person who gave you this number? Someone at Comcast keeps giving out our number, and I'm trying to figure out who so that I can get them to stop."

"Oh, man. That's too bad. Yes, I have it right here...It was John at extension 9876."

"Thank you so much."

"No problem. Thanks for giving me the right number."

But here's the problem. So far, since I started having these conversations, every single person I've talked to has given me a different name and a different extension from the last. Sometimes they don't know the extension, only the name. Other times it's the reverse. But since I started collecting this data, there haven't been any repeats.

Which leaves me a little perplexed. Either these people are hearing 555-2234 when they're actually being told 555-1234, or half the Comcast call center has the wrong number to give out. Given that we get at least three of these calls per day, the cynic in me thinks that the fault lies with people at the call center and not the customers.

I have tried calling back Monica and John and Terrence (not their real names, obviously), but of course, their extensions are always busy and the helpful phone service offers to direct me to the "next available representative" -- who no doubt will be one that knows the Comcast phone number and doesn't give out mine by mistake, so I always just hang up.

My latest strategy has been to change my outgoing answering machine message and quit picking up the phone all together. Now, the message says:

You have reached DaddyTime, MommyTime, Son and Daughter. We can't take your call right now, but leave us a message, and we'll call you back.

If you're calling for Comcast, the number you want is 555-1234. Please don't leave us a message. You have reached a home, not a business.

Thank you, and have a nice day.

I tried very hard to keep any hint of snark out of my tone. After all, it's not the callers' faults that someone is giving them the wrong phone number. The real test of whether this works or not, of course, will be that no one leaves us messages any more.

As for stopping the o'dark a.m. phone calls? That I haven't figured out yet.